Emotional Abuse or Gaslighting

Gaslighting occurs when a person you trust to tell you the truth about reality, is, in fact, bending reality with lies. When this happens consistently over a period of time it causes you to question your sanity.

When an abuser refuses to listen, appears to misunderstand what he is completely capable of understanding, or declines sharing his emotions, he is “withholding” a part of the essential intimate actions of the relationship. (When a partner really does not understand the other, then at least the intent to understand and compromise should be there, with perhaps a request for the partner to help them understand somehow.) But when Gaslighting is the main technique and “withholding” is the tool, the abuser feigns confusion or a lack of understanding.

“Blocking” and “diverting” is a method of Gaslighting whereby communication is controlled and manipulated. The abuser refuses to comment or answer (because he has already stated “I’m not going through this again tonight”) and closes the discussion on things he “has already discussed.” Also, when withholding information, the Gaslighting abuser prevents all possibility of coming to a fair resolution, or in giving comforting knowledge to his spouse/girlfriend.

A Gaslighting abuser often accuses his partner of having done something wrong (to justify his actions or to give misleading ideas as to why he treated her a certain way when she questioned him). Healthy partners do not want to see their spouse feeling bad or hurt, and instead desires to comfort or heal their pain.

Alternatively, the goal of abusive accusations is to blame the partner for her anger, irritation, or insecurity, thereby proving the anger/abuse she is enduring is justified because she is at fault or in the wrong for the way she accused or reacted to something he did.

Trivializing” is confusing to her because, if she doesn’t recognize Gaslighting by “trivializing” for what it is, she believes she somehow hasn’t been able to explain to her mate just how important certain things are to her. “Trivializing” can be very subtle, so that the partner is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn’t quite sure why.

Eventually a Gaslighting abuser wins the ultimate war, the final argument, when she begins to collapse mentally and emotionally. The worst Gaslighting abusers will then mock her, humiliate her by sharing her “wrongdoings” (of searching for a solution) with their mutual friends, hoping to get a response of “I wouldn’t listen to all that nagging, Man,” from them. Perhaps it better eases his conscious to have others tell him it is all her, or that she’s just a bitch, or just a nag. Hell, she’s not worth the effort it takes him to keep on living with her!

If you are a victim of Gaslighting, hang in there. Recognizing that it is emotional abuse is a very big step. Trust your “gut instincts.” They have been entrusted by folks since Adam and Eve, and I just don’t think it is possible that you could be the only person without credible, solid instincts suddenly betraying you, repeatedly telling you that there is something very wrong with your significant other, but allowing you to feel normal and safe with the rest of your world. Think about it. Now get help.

http://www.faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=60924

Narcissistic Abuser as Slanderer

Narcissistic Abuser as Slanderer

On their way through life, narcissists leave a trail of trashed good names in their wake.

Read article Click Here

Scheme of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional, psychological, abuse, and as such, gradually erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem, with the outcome being; self-confidence destroyed.  Alas, the victim adopts a confused, disorientated stance and thus renders herself exposed, moreso, to criticism and judgment.   Henceforth, the roles are quite clear:  the victim is considered “crazy” (mentally deranged)  whilst the abuser is the “suffering soul.”

Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and to cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her senses, her skills, her strengths, her friends, her family, and the predictability and benevolence of her environment.

The abuser subverts the victim’s focus by disagreeing with her way of perceiving the world, her judgment, the facts of her existence, by criticizing her incessantly – and by offering plausible but specious alternatives. By constantly distorting the truth, (pathological lying), he blurs the line between reality and nightmare.

By recurrently disapproving of her choices and actions – the abuser shreds the victim’s self-confidence and shatters her self-esteem. By reacting disproportionately to the slightest “mistake” – he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.

Incapacitating

The abuser gradually and surreptitiously takes over functions and chores previously adequately and skillfully performed by the victim. The victim finds herself isolated from the outer world, a hostage to the goodwill – or, more often, ill-will – of her captor. She is crippled by his encroachment and by the unstoppable erosion of her boundaries and ends up totally dependent on her abuser’s clever schemes.

Moreover, the abuser may even engineer impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser will employ this strategy to ensure his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, has carefully crafted.   The abuser cleverly generates his work of indispensability.

Control by Triangulation

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, any third party – to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate victim. He (or she!) employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he (or she) always dumps his (or her!)  props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by triangulation is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, social exclusion) against the victim.  In this instance, society becomes the instrument of the abuser.

Gaslighting is Psychological Abuse

“Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they “must be imagining things” when they challenge these changes.

The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a wife’s concerns about the dimming of her house’s gas lights are dismissed by her husband as the work of her imagination, when he is actually fully aware of the reason for their dimming. This is part of a wider pattern of deception in which the husband manipulates small elements of his wife’s environment, and insists that she is mistaken or misremembering, when she challenges them.

One psychological definition of gaslighting is “an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim – having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.”


Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or brainwashing where one individual attempts to get another individual to believe she is “crazy”. This is most often done through the denial of facts, events, or what one did or did not say. The gaslighter might also directly or indirectly imply that the individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a mental illness…When this technique is used on someone, he or she may initially become frustrated that one is being told his or her memory or perceptions do not match reality. However, after a while, the individual beings to believe the gaslighter. He or she may start to believe that he or she is imagining things, has some kind of mental illness, or has a faulty memory. When one doubts his or her perceptions of reality, the gaslighter is able to control that person; he or she becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter for the “truth”.

Gas Lighting abuser will also use plain old “denial.” The victim is forced to ask herself if she should even try anything as a next step because he listened to her logical, understandable, completely answerable question and simply said “Nope. Not me. Didn’t do it.” The Gaslighting victim is also left to deal with the fact he knowingly denied this, and what else could possibly be unknown to her.

Overall, the victim starts to realize she needs to be careful when relying on her own perceptions of life.

Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person. Gaslighting takes two – one person who needs to be in control to maintain his sense of self, and the other, who needs the relationship to maintain her sense of self and is willing to acquiesce. The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality, confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another to define reality and tell you what you think — and who you are. Gaslighting can be maddening in the early stages and soul destroying when it fully takes hold.”

Examples:

An example of gaslighting someone with the intent to frighten or intimidate them would be to break into their home while they’re away, and re-arrange their furniture or make some other sort of change in the environment, but to leave no trace of the break-in (i.e. no broken window or jimmied door lock) – thus making it clear to the person being gaslighted that they’re not secure in their own home, and that the perpetrator is anonymous and can come and go unannounced (thus adding additional dimensions of fear)…but as no evidence is left, the person might come across as “crazy” or “over-reacting” if they tried to tell someone else (i.e. a friend, or a law enforement officer).

As an example of gaslighting someone with the intent to make them question their own sanity for the purposes of causing them severe emotional distress, and also possibly with the intent to make others question the person’s sanity as well, gaslighting is perpetrated by a person known to the gaslightee. For example: an abusive and controlling husband who wants to manipulate his wife into questioning her own sanity and experience the severe emotional distress that results, changes things in the home environment — he moves her keys from where she knows (or thinks she knows) she left them, after she changes a light bulb he puts the burned-out one back in the socket, etc.; and when his wife says “gee, that’s odd, I could swear I remember doing XYZ”, he acts genuinely surprised and perhaps even insists that he saw her doing the opposite, etc.; it may sound harmless, but with properly-chosen actions executed over a period of time, a person can be worn down.

This could also be played out by the gaslighter in such a way so as to make the gaslightee appear to others as though they’re “losing their mind”, for reasons such as getting a court to declare the gaslightee mentally incompetent and grant custody of his/her estate and finances to the gaslighter, for obvious sinister reasons.


Another form of gaslighting – called triangulation gaslighting – involves emotionally manipulating the gaslightee, as well as causing his/her sanity or competence to be called into question, with the involvement of an unwitting third party. This form of gaslighting has been used to great effect as a plot device in horror novels and films, often in a situation where a woman or child is held captive and tortured by an evil man, then escapes and tries to tell law enforcement officers or other third parties, but isn’t believed or is thought of as “crazy”. In these cases, the gaslightee is manipulated into a lose-lose position where either (a) they say nothing and continue suffering abuse, or (b) they try to tell a third party but the only result is that they cause their own sanity to be called into question because they sound “crazy”, effectively shifting suspicion and blame away from the gaslighter.


Gaslighting can also play out in a “quote me and I’ll deny it” form, whereby (for example) the gaslighter exposes him/herself to the gaslightee as having done something evil – then, when the gaslightee repeats it in front of the gaslighter and third parties in an attempt to expose the gaslighter, the gaslighter acts genuinely surprised and confused and denies everything, thus making the gaslightee appear to be paranoid or malicious or “crying wolf”. This is especially effective if there is no evidence of the gaslighter’s evil deed, thus making it his/her word against the gaslightee’s – which isn’t worth much in the eyes of the third parties, since the gaslightee just appeared to discredit him/herself.

Definition of Gaslighting and Perception Blaming

Definition of Gaslighting

by J. E. Brown

Gaslighting

A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent.

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim’s attempt to break out of the dependent role.

Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls “your depression” or “your mood swings,” you are in the presence of a gaslighter.

Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks “Don’t you have a sense of humor?” – that’s gaslighting.

Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one’s actions.

Example: “I’m sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn’t my intention.”

Translation: “You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can’t, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I’d like you to believe.”

Unspoken Message: “My intention should change your actions (even though it didn’t change mine).”   This presupposes the reasoning “Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions.”

The Gaslight Effect – Turn Up Your Gaslight Radar

Turn Up Your Gaslight Radar

Check for These Twenty Telltale Signs

Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.

5. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.

6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.

8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

12. You have trouble making simple decisions.

13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.

14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.

15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.

17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.

18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.

19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before.

20. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Gaslighting – The Gaslight Effect

Katie is a friendly, upbeat person who walks down the street with a smile for everyone. Her job as a sales rep means that she’s often talking to new people, which she loves. An attractive woman in her late twenties, she went through a long period of dating before she finally settled on her current boyfriend, Brian.

Brian can be sweet, protective, and considerate, but he’s also an anxious, fearful guy who treats every new person with suspicion. When the two of them go on a walk together, Katie is outgoing and talkative, easily falling into conversation with the man who stops to ask directions or the woman whose dog cuts across their path. Brian, though, is full of criticism. Can’t she see how people are laughing at her? She thinks they like these casual conversations, but they’re actually rolling their eyes and wondering why she’s so chatty. And that man who asked them for directions? He was only trying to seduce her – she should have seen how he leered at her the moment her back was turned. Besides, behaving in such a manner is highly disrespectful to him, her boyfriend. How does she think it makes him feel to see her making eyes at every guy she passes?

At first, Katie laughs off her boyfriend’s complaints. She’s been like this all her life, she tells him, and she enjoys being friendly. But after weeks of relentless criticism, she starts to doubt herself. Maybe people are laughing and leering at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious and rubbing her boyfriend’s nose in it – what a terrible way to treat the man who loves her!

Eventually, when Katie walks down the street, she can’t decide how to behave. She doesn’t want to give up her warm and friendly approach to the world – but now, whenever she smiles at a stranger, she can’t help imagining what Brian would think.

LIZ is a top-level executive in a major advertising firm. A stylish woman in her late forties with a solid, twenty-year marriage and no children, she’s worked hard to get where she is, pouring all her extra energy into her career. Now she seems to be on the verge of reaching her goal, in line to take over the company’s New York office.

Then, at the last minute, someone else is brought in to take the job. Liz swallows her pride and offers to give him all the help she can. At first, the new boss seems charming and appreciative. But soon Liz starts to notice that she’s being left out of important decisions and not invited to major meetings. She hears rumors that clients are being told she doesn’t want to work with them anymore and has recommended that they speak to her new boss instead. When she complains to her colleagues, they look at her in bewilderment. “But he always praises you to the skies,” they insist. “Why would he say such nice things if he was out to get you?”

Finally, Liz confronts her boss, who has a plausible explanation for every incident. “Look,” he says kindly at the end of the meeting. “I think you’re being way too sensitive about all this – maybe even a little paranoid. Would you like a few days off to destress?”

Liz feels completely disabled. She knows she’s being sabotaged – but why is she the only one who thinks so?

MITCHELL is a grad student in his mid-twenties who’s studying to become an electrical engineer. Tall, gangly, and somewhat shy, he’s taken a long time to find the right woman, but he’s just begun dating someone he really likes. One day, his girlfriend mildly points out that Mitchell still dresses like a little boy. Mitchell is mortified, but he sees what she means. Off he goes to a local department store, where he asks the personal shopper to help him choose an entire wardrobe. The clothes make him feel like a new man – sophisticated, attractive – and he enjoys the appreciative glances women give him on the bus ride home.

But when he wears the new clothes to Sunday dinner at his parents’ home, his mother bursts out laughing. “Oh, Mitchell, that outfit is all wrong for you – you look ridiculous,” she says. “Please, dear, the next time you go shopping, let me help you.” When Mitchell feels hurt and asks his mother to apologize, she shakes her head sadly. “I was only trying to help,” she says. “And I’d like an apology from you for that tone of voice.”

Mitchell is confused. He liked his new clothes – but maybe he does look ridiculous. And has he really been rude to his mother?

Katie, Liz, and Mitchell have one thing in common: they’re all suffering from the Gaslight Effect. The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval. Gaslighters and gaslightees can be of either gender, and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. But I’m going to call gaslighters “he” and gaslightees “she,” since that’s the pairing I most often see in my practice. I’ll explore a variety of relationships – with friends, family, bosses, and colleagues – but the male-female romantic pairing will be my major focus.

For example, Katie’s gaslighting boyfriend insists that the world is a dangerous place and that Katie’s behavior is inappropriate and insensitive. When he feels stressed or threatened, he has to be right about these issues, and he has to get Katie to agree that he is. Katie values the relationship and doesn’t want to lose Brian, so she starts to see things from his point of view. Maybe the people they meet are laughing at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious. Gaslighting has begun.

Likewise, Liz’s boss insists that he really cares about her and that any concerns she has are because she’s paranoid. Liz wants her boss to think well of her – after all, her career is at stake – so she starts to doubt her own perceptions and tries to adopt his. But her boss’s view of things really doesn’t make sense to Liz. If he’s not trying to sabotage her, why is she missing all those meetings? Why are her clients failing to return her calls? Why is she feeling so worried and confused? Liz is so trusting that she just can’t believe anyone could be as blatantly manipulative as her boss seems to be; she has to be doing something that warrants his terrible treatment. Wishing desperately for her boss to be right, but knowing deep down that he isn’t, makes Liz feels completely disoriented, no longer sure of what she sees or what she knows. Her gaslighting is in full swing.

Mitchell’s mother insists that she’s entitled to say anything she wants to her son and that he is being rude if he objects. Mitchell would like to see his mother as a good, loving person, not as someone who says mean things to him. So when she hurts his feelings, he blames himself, not her. Both Mitchell and his mother agree: the mother is right, and Mitchell is wrong. Together, they are creating the Gaslight Effect.

Of course, Katie, Liz, and Mitchell all have other choices. Katie might ignore her boyfriend’s negative remarks, ask him to stop making them, or as a last resort, break up with him. Liz could say to herself, “Wow, this new boss is a piece of work. Well; maybe that smarmy charm has fooled everyone else in this company – but not me!” Mitchell might reply calmly, “Sorry, Mom, but you’re the one who owes me an apology.” All of them could decide that, on some basic level, they are willing to live with their gaslighters’ disapproval. They know they are good, capable, lovable people, and that’s all that matters.

If our three gaslightees were able to take this attitude, there would be no gaslighting. Maybe their gaslighters would still behave badly, but their behavior would no longer have such a pernicious effect. Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.

The problem is, gaslighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty – especially if there’s a grain of truth in his words, or if he’s hit on one of our pet anxieties – it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter – when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent – then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality. Our gaslighter needs to be right, we need to win his approval, and so the gaslighting goes on.

Of course, neither of you may be aware of what’s really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he’s only saving you from yourself. Remember: He’s being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.

Meanwhile, you have idealized your gaslighter and are desperate for his approval, although you may not consciously realize this. But if there’s even a little piece of you that thinks you’re not good enough by yourself – if even a small part of you feels you need your gaslighter’s love or approval to be whole – then you are susceptible to gaslighting. And a gaslighter will take advantage of that vulnerability to make you doubt yourself, over and over again.

What Is Gaslighting? The Gaslight Effect

I strongly recommend the following book:

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

by Robin Stern, Ph.D.

*

Excerpt:

Are You Being Gaslighted?

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff – including yours – he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you’ll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t and to believe the unbelieveable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.

How do we know? If you consider answering “yes” to even one of the following questions, you’ve probably been gaslighted:

• Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?
• When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?
• Do you dread having small things go wrong at home – buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of Emotional Abuse and Manipulation.

Gaslighting is Psychological Abuse

Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when any relationship [friend, co-worker, family]  is headed for trouble.

Determine whether you are enabling a gaslighter.

Recognize the Three Stages of Gaslighting: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression.

Refuse to be gaslighted by using the Five Rules for Turning Off the Gas.

Develop your own “Gaslight Barometer” so you can decide which relationships can be saved – and which you have to walk away from.

Learn how to Gasproof Your Life.

Emotional Manipulator Skilled Controller

Abusers can be masters of disguise and covert operations. He or She hones their skills to expert precision, lest people see through the mask to the ruthless ambition and envy beneath.

Above all, the abuser seeks to keep that mask firmly in place so as not to lose the support of those who’ve been fooled by the outer facade.

This list of characteristics describes abusers and gives an awareness of the techniques used by * Chameleons * who may be male or female.

1. Charming in public – exuding warmth and charm, an abuser smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be attentive to your needs.

2. Rumor-monger in private – criticizing you behind your back, he may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. He manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in his plot to undermine your image in every way.

3. Two-faced – He pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge him, he suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. His soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, his flattering words hide his desire to control you, and his seemingly warm personality hides his take-no-prisoners attitude.

4. Distorts truth and reality – He misleads people by omitting key facts. He’s extremely concerned to preserve an appearance of integrity, all the while withholding significant information. He misleads people by omitting key facts, he quotes hearsay as important and authoritative, then, justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way.

Master of the half-truth, he miss-states and belittles your viewpoint, asks questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond, he changes the subject before you can correct his miss-statements, then he adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to the old ones.

5. Hypocritical – His spoken philosophy and behavior don’t match, his words creating a positive image which does not match his actions. He describes his mistakes as minor, but your mistakes as serious, or ignores his own mistakes while always highliting yours. – He calmly demeans you, but is angry because you don’t respect him. Not respecting him = pointing out the inconguities and inconsistencies between who he claims to be and what he actually does and says.

6. Evasive – He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior and always shifts the focus to others. He acts like he is the one who is being victimized. He tries to make you feel guilty for hurting him, accusing you of behavior that was far worse than his and asserting that you are the cause of his bad behavior (if he ever does admit to behaving badly).

7. Pompous – He acts like a know-it-all and never apologizes, unless to prove how rarely he makes a mistake. He’s a prima donna … condescending in words, tone of voice and mannerisms. Every issue which effects him is high drama and he’ll try to demolish the opposition in every discussion to keep the focus on himself.

8. Self-righteous – In order to disguise his corrupt character, he always claims the moral and ethical high ground. He brags about the goodness of his own character while suggesting that others have dubious motives. He frequently talks of his superior ethical standards, implying that others don’t have his high standards and using distorted examples to prove that others are not nearly as superior as he.

9. Obsessed with image – He believes that his image is more important than reality, so he disguises his true emotions and desires. When you see beneath his persona, he will suggest that your actions have hurt his image. Alternatively, he says that your proposed actions (i.e., exposing him) will hurt your own image.

10. Passive-aggressive behaviour: (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)

* Put-downs
* Sarcasm
* Insults
* Rudeness
* Sabotage
* Intimidation
* Belittling Remarks

11. Pretends to care – While pretending to care about others, he is at his most manipulative and dangerous. Most people are taken in by his apparently positive energy, enthusiasm and charisma, but in reality, they are naively being fooled by an attractive personality which hides a morally and ethically corrupt abuser who is coldly and ruthlessly pursuing his own selfish ends.

His expression of affection is tainted with possessiveness and he compliments you only because it serves his purpose. He has a look of concern, but he doesn’t truly respect you.

He pretends to be your friend while tearing you down, destroying your reputation, weakening your position, and exaggerating the importance of your mistakes.

12. Plays the victim – He exaggerates his pain and suffering, trying to make you feel guilty for causing his pain and claiming that you don’t appreciate him.

He becomes angry and indignant when you try to reason with him, then says he is tired of doing all the compromising.

The above list of characteristics describes abusers and gives an awareness of the techniques used by * Chameleons * who may be male or female.

The Smear Campaign

Charming in public:   exuding warmth and charm, she smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be your friend, appears to be supportive and attentive to your needs.  She always appears to be helpful.

Rumor-monger in private:   criticizing you behind your back, she may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes.  She manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in her plot to undermine your image in every way.

Two-faced:   She pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge her, she suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. Her soft-spoken manner hides her destructive intentions, her flattering words hide her desire to control you, and her seemingly warm personality hides her take-no-prisoners attitude.